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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Patrice's LiveJournal:

Monday, August 26th, 2002
9:54 pm
My Almost Little Sister
So today was my ex bestfriends sisters birthday! she turned 15 it was so cute she had me come over and see all her friends it is so weird the fact that shes coming over with hickeys and stuff...smoking cigs and weed! But she got it from me and her big brother! it is so weird! we have the same friends which is really weird but i love her shes my girl for always! it was aww so cute! But still...im pissed @ the world for everything! i really would like to know why this is all happening to me! what in the fuck did i do rite?

Current Mood: bitchy
5:21 pm
FRIENDS FOREVER?
So now my 2 best friends are starting a relationship...not just friends but more than!! What the hell?? Neither one of them tells me until like 2 weeks after the fact! If they would have told me right away i know for a fact that i would have been okay with the situation but the fact that they hid it from me thats BULLSHIT!

Current Mood: bitchy
Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
8:33 pm
so my head hurts or maybe just my heart! im not quite sure which hurts more! yes its jeff once more! i looked @ a calendar and in a few days it wouldve been 3 years since he told me that he loved me! kinda trippy rite? i sure as hell think so! itll be 3 years and a month since he first calle dme! have you ever had that feeling where you can remember what u were wearing or how you felt...where you were? thats how it was the first time he said he loved me! no one understands me like he did and im afraid that no one ever will again! im flying w/o out wings and because i lost him im now falling. he got emancipated and his step dad ran him over and i wasnt there for him! what in the hell is going on? is this all my fault? maybe if my parents...jeff im sorry! im sorry for hurting you and im sorry that you are hurt! im sorry for everything and anything that i did to hurt you ever! i never meant to! i love you with all that i am and all that ill ever be! even if its just as friends you always will mean something to me cuz we went through so much! i am who i am because of you! thank you!

Current Mood: melancholy
8:01 pm
so my head hurts or maybe just my heart! im not quite sure which hurts more! yes its jeff once more! i looked @ a calendar and in a few days it wouldve been 3 years since he told me that he loved me! kinda trippy rite? i sure as hell think so! itll be 3 years and a month since he first calle dme! have you ever had that feeling where you can remember what u were wearing or how you felt...where you were? thats how it was the first time he said he loved me! no one understands me like he did and im afraid that no one ever will again! im flying w/o out wings and because i lost him im now falling. he got emancipated and his step dad ran him over and i wasnt there for him! what in the hell is going on? is this all my fault? maybe if my parents...jeff im sorry!
Sunday, August 11th, 2002
9:32 pm
Jeffery Andrew...
so i totally thought...or maybe i just assumed that i was over jeff but today when amanda told me that she saw him my heart jumpped and it started to race i couldnt sit still...Jeff wetsel...wow a name i never thought i would hear again..especially from her. so i thought about it and well...i started to cry...this is where my life started to go on a downward spiral...when i lost his love...when he told me that he loved angela 10x more than he ever loved me. that same nite he told me that by the time i graduate high school i will find someone that i love 10x more than i ever loved him...well 10 more months. and this whole thing is even making me question my feelings for the people that i thought i cared about...remember my brad pitt obsession? well the truth is to have just one more day to be with him and work things out and apologize i would take him over a chance with brad pitt...i would give up my place in heaven to spend 24 hours with him! i would do any thing to apologize and have him hear me out...so its almost been 3 years since jeff said that he loved me! 3 of the greatest years of my life! they were rough as hell but i love you always and for ever jeffery andrew wetsel...you will always be my summer boy and ill always be your summer girl! Forgive me please?

Current Mood: depressed
Friday, August 9th, 2002
8:45 pm
okay...so i am reading a book called Wasted its a memoir (sp) of aneroxia and bulimia...its an amazing eye opener...and i know i should be saying that is terrible how could anyone ever do that to themselves but the truth is that as i was sitting there reading it i could see myself doing it...i could see myself sticking my finger down my throat, making myself throw up to reach that desired size 7...ive tried everything...crazy diets...vegetarianism...working out like mad...eating healthy...SLIM FAST! and nothing is working...is bulimia the only answer? is that how i will reach my desired size and weight? is that the only way i can be happy is by hurting myself like that?
Thursday, August 8th, 2002
10:37 pm
I wish
i wish: that it was may...that i never met steve...that i never met nicky...that i never met phil...that i never hurt brad...that i never hurt jeff...that i wasnt born...that this was a dream...that i could pinch myself and wake up...that i was staying in portland...that i was happy...that love wastnt confusing...that...i wasnt me!

Current Mood: depressed
Monday, August 5th, 2002
3:54 pm
What are you supposed to do when the girl you looked up to since you were little chacks herself into rehab? im not sure but i really wish that i knew...im not sure if i am supposed to know or not but i do and now i am totally confused...what do i say to her? what do i say? my favorite couzin who i love more than the world is addicted to pain killers...nothing makes the pain go away...nothing...i wish i could call her and let het kno that i love her but...i can't...what am i supposed to do? this is so scary...nothing bad will happen right? Oh god i really hope not! i would...im not sure what i would do!!!!

Current Mood: crushed
3:54 pm
What are you supposed to do when the girl you looked up to since you were little chacks herself into rehab? im not sure but i really wish that i knew...im not sure if i am supposed to know or not but i do and now i am totally confused...what do i say to her? what do i say? my favorite couzin who i love more than the world is addicted to pain killers...nothing makes the pain go away...nothing...i wish i could call her and let het kno that i love her but...i can't...what am i supposed to do? this is so scary...nothing bad will happen right? Oh god i really hope not! i would...im not sure what i would do!!!!

Current Mood: crushed
Sunday, August 4th, 2002
10:23 am
so of course i attended the carnival again today for obvious reasons (Tom, Roger, and Josh) and it was so much fun! it was the best nite of the fair! to bad it was the last though right? oh well...i exchanged numbers with a few of the ppl and we plan on keeping in touch...Roger hurt his fingger again last nite and was like come look @ it and i was like ewww nasty...tom gave me his number and i really doubt ill call him! so i was working today and chuckie came in (those of u who dont kno the chuckie story and want to just post it) just to check up on me and make sure i was all right...he was worried!!!!!!!!!!! Him be worried about me????????? does he even have that right ne more? well i guess he does especially since he never said that stuff i was told that he was saying! i felt so terrible after that but...what can i do now right? we talked and are maybe gonna get to gether again but he is going to the reserves in September...thats when he is being shipped up north...now that really hurts like you would not believe! i wonder what ill do without my chuckie! my little 2pac wanna be! i love him and miss him! im glad hes back in my life though!

Current Mood: loved
Thursday, August 1st, 2002
9:13 am
so i am totally confused about guys as usual! seriously! i met yet another one! hes such a funny guy...he has blue hair and hes 16 and he works @ a carnival...he has all his teeth!!! but then the older man that i like is going to graduate school @ NIU (my future school). okay so thatll be weird! lets see...the guy that i really like is being totally weird (again) and that guy from camp that i liked that i didnt realize i liked until after camp! what am i to do about that? sure i like him i decided that but...what am i gonna do about it? he lives i guess way south of here so...what in the hell am i aposta do about my feelings? then there is Brandon! i love him seriously but...well...distance and stuff! grrr and srgh!

Current Mood: confused
Monday, July 29th, 2002
11:57 pm
so as if getting back into the swing of things again after camp wastnt bad enough...add guys and work...not to mention family! i think that i am going to go nuts! lets start with guys...i have one from camp that i like (ashlyey knows who!), i have 2...make that three from camp last year! and the 3 from last year are at leats semi-interested! but the one i love with all my heart (eric knows) doesnt want a relationship...(distance)...where as the other guys dont mind the distance!
work! today was terrible, everything i looked @, everything i touched and said reminded me of camp...thats all i could talk about was camp camp and more camp! how terrible is that?
family and friends: i love them all to death but im not sure that they understand the entire post camp change! i kno u guys kno what i mean right? or am i totally insane about all of this? let me kno guys...i love u!

Current Mood: blah
12:31 pm
i am not sure where to begin, with camp? or with 2day, lets go with camp! i could start withthe people, so i will! Janna baby i love u u are such a sweetie and so talented beware of vampires i mean jackets! ashley, wow, my swedish whore! u rocked the house again! Alison Schier, you inspired me like you wouldnt believe, i love you so much sweetie. Sir David there arent enough words in the world to describe what you have meant to me over the past year. youve been a god sent and a best friend!

I miss camp, the people, the experience and even the food! no maybe not the food. but i miss stalking my jazz camp boys (buddy and charley). i miss talking late with my roomies! i miss everything and everyone! but now im home and things are confusing, friends and guys dont understand! they dont get that i just spent the greatest 5 days with you people and its over and it is so hard to believe it! believing that i wont see half of u ever again. believing that tomorrow ill wake up and be in my bed and not have a roommate to make sre i am up and moving, i love u and i miss u so much! what am i going to do without u?
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